WHY?

So today i got home form Bear Lake and i am so confused! i keep thinking of things that just are and i cant help but think why? I mean a few days i was so glad for the rain then the sunshine and now i just think why cant it just rain i mean i feel gray and like i want to cry so why cant the world just help me out and do it for me? but when its all sunny like this then i can help but want to curl up in a corner and BAWL... i have about sixteen million reasons to lay down and cry and like one not to. So i am thinking Y did god send you to north carolina? because #1 i miss you A LOT and #2 if you were here right now you would make my other big problwm seem really small!

Well TJ runs hot and cold and he warned me about it and i told him a could handle it but its really hard! I mean like he really doesnt know what he wants! like he will be really into me one day and then the next day he will totally ignor me cuz he doesnt know what he wants! and i dont really know that i want him to want me. cuz its like he lives kinda far away and like i dont want to get to attached because you know its a LONG time til i can drive or anything so IDK... but at the same time i like him a lot and it hurts a lot! cuz he is far.

At this exact moment in time i remember why we had girls nights! i mean right now i would give anything to be in the car with you and sara with our music blasting or in your front room watching movies or shopping i mean its the little things that we did that are really getting to me!

and i wish you were here to be a part of the new things we do! like run all over town to find
BEN & JERRY's ice cream! i mean i have loads of people that will pick up my peices when i fall apart but no one does it quite like you! and you are SOOO busy that right now i would pay money for one of your words of wisdom! i just miss you sooo much and i dont see why god seperated us. cuz it hurts so much and it hurts so often. i know that you are gone for a reason but i have SUCH a hard time figuring it out! well i guess all that i am really tryin to say is i dont like the trials that god is giving me. but idk i find myself praying a lot cuz i have this favorite quote that says "Dont pray for tasks equal to your abilities pray for abilities equal to your tasks." and idk that honestly touched me cuz god gave me abilities but the tasks that he gives me seem to be WAY out of my league!

Well idk i hope that this didnt make you cry cuz its makin me cry... haha i am a baby! i just miss you soooo much and i dont see how its fair that god made a person with such an amazing spirit and such amazing advice and put her in my life and then took her away during the years that i need her most.

so right now i have no helpful advice, and nothing to say that could honestly make you feel any better accept for I LOVE YOU... I seem to always learn a valuable lesson from life experiences and the only one that i could work out of this whole thing is dont put your whole heart into things cuz then when it gets broken it hurts bad and there is no one to blame but yourself... i dont really like that amswer tho... so i just kinda feel like i hope things get better because the only reason things get worse is so that they can get better... i hope.